( IS IT BROKEN? )

[lucille]

i drive myself crazy, trying
TO STAY OUT OF MY OWN WAY. THE MESSES THAT I MAKE.



ABSOLUTELY ANYONE , 837 WORDS , CLOTHING , COMPLETE

she was beyond caring that it was the middle of the night and that it was freezing out. She just needed to get out of her dorm; out of her head. Stepping outside for the first time that evening morning, she felt the ice cold air cut through her. If she were smart, she'd go back inside for another jacket, but Lucy was beyond caring about that. She just needed to move and hopefully clear her mind. She crossed her arms over her chest as she moved across the campus, letting her feet take her whever she needed to go, attempt to keep her mind blank. She was failing miserably. Two words kept circulating through her mind: bad friend. Despite how desperately she tried to ignore it, she could not help but think them correct. Was that the reason Kade was pushing her away? Was that the reason he refused to tell her what was going through his mind? A never-ending cycle of questions were pestering her. Never had she wanted to escape herself like she did now. Not even when she was struggling with the person Kaden had become. Even then, she had stood by his side, but now, she felt ready to just give up. She didn't want to defend her actions, she didn't want to try and tell him that she felt they were drifting apart and she did not want to tell him that she felt like he was replacing her. Most of all, she did not want to tell him that she was jealous of the way he seemed to care about Adia and how he looked at her. He would never look at her that way; with so much emotion and love, and Lucy hated that.

negative thoughts and feelings were threatening to overcome her, despite her attempts to keep her mind free of any thought of him. She was trying to think of things that made her happy, or about her finals; anything that would make her feel more like herself. The person she was trapped within didn't feel like herself. The petite brunette did not know what to do. She wanted to go see Kaden, but he was too busy with Adia. Is that how things would be? She would anger him and he would immediately go to Adia with his problems rather than talk to her about what was bothering him? Would Adia become his new best friend, his new confident? Would he let her call him 'Buggy'? Would she never hear him call her 'Lulu' again? Those thoughts terrified her. Over ten years of friendship was on the verge of destruction, or so it appeared. Lucy hated Kaden for pushing her away. She hated Adia for coming back. Most of all, she hated herself for not just keeping it to herself. Actually, the whole argumentation thing was Brody's fault. He was the one to open his mouth. He had been the one to raise the issue to Kaden. If that had not happened, she could have pretended to be fine with Kaden replacing her. She could have taken the backseat and watched him push her further and further away.

as despicable as it was, it was easier to blame Brody for all of this. It was easier to direct her anger at him, rather than admit the fact that this was because of her jealousy. It hurt her knowing that Kaden would never look at her that way. Lucy wasn't brave enough to admit it to him, or anyone else. It was hard enough admitting it to herself. Besides, there were other issues on top of that. An indefinite amount of time had passed and Lucy found herself on at the foot of the Harkness tower. She looked up; the beauty of the architecture made her smile momentarily. It was a distraction, something to look at. Without thinking, she moved and sat herself down on the ground, uncaring of the light layer of snow covering it. She just sat there. Within no time, her upper legs and bottom were numb with cold. Her hands were in the pockets of her hoody in an attempt to keep them warm, but it was failing. Still, Lucy refused to move. Time seemed to stand still as she sat there, staring at the tower which she had seen almost every day for the past three and a half years. If asked, she would not be able to state was so special about it this time, but her eyes would not shift from it. If they did, her thoughts would wander and she was tired of thinking about them; Kaden and Adia. She was tired of trying to figure out where she would fit in Kaden's life with his ex-girlfriend back in the picture. She was done thinking about the possibility of her completely disappearing from it. The possibility would not have crossed her mind a mere month ago, but now it was all she could think about and Lucy was finished with it.

[zazu]

kendra was restless, like she usually was at this time of night. she wasn’t sure what it was, but some night she just woke up and needed to go somewhere. it’d been happening more and more, but with oliver tucked protectively against her side, slipping out of her dorm in the middle of night was almost impossible these days. she understood his desire to protect her and keep her safe, but it was hard for her to suddenly give over her protection to someone else. five years of keeping herself safe meant that she was good at it, and even having oliver being the one looking out for her, still felt odd to her. it wasn’t as if she’d had time to adjust to his being in her life anymore. there was no middle ground, no happy medium between being completely gone and almost always there. she had no objections to it, since she would rather have him always there than never, but it was in her nature to feel a little bit odd when she was relying on someone else. in some ways, it was a pleasant change not to worry about herself for a while, since someone else was doing that for her, but it also had its downsides. she wasn’t free to do anything she wanted, like she always had been. her inability to sleep some nights found her wandering the campus, enjoying the beauty of everything outside. with oliver sleeping soundly in her bed though, she knew he’d never let her out. even if he was willing to let her go out in the middle of the night, he’d drag himself along and spend the whole time grumbling about the snow on the ground. she just wanted a few moments to herself, to clear her mind and to come up with some coherent assessment of her life as it was. there was a lot to consider.

she was still curled up when she felt oliver roll over in his sleep, giving her a brief moment to slip out of his grasp. he wouldn’t notice if she wasn’t there anymore, only if he woke up. she slid out of bed quickly and quietly, shoving her feet into her slippers. they were hardly protection against the snow outside, but it didn’t matter to her. she just needed to feel the cold air on her skin and see the few things that sometimes helped her clear her mind. sliding her jacket on over her head, she left her hair loose – a habit she’d been developing the more time she spent with ollie. she wasn’t used to it swinging in her face and being in her line of view, but it wasn’t as bad as she’d thought it was going to be. she brushed a strand of hair from her eyes and glanced back at the sleeping form of the man she loved, confused as much as she was happy and wishing it was all far less complex. she sighed to herself and pulled her hood up over her head, slipping out of her dorm in her quiet way, making sure to leave the door locked behind her, key on a chain around her neck so she could never lose it. she’d always locked the door when she left, but she was more and more worried about doing so, ever since oliver had explained how things were now. she wandered down the halls of the dorm and out into the cold air, shivering slightly as she pulled the jacket tighter around her, though it couldn’t do much more. she wandered down the paved paths of the campus, not really knowing where she was going, glad that her feet could do the walking for her. there was a lot to think about but somehow she wasn’t sure she wanted to be thinking about it at this current moment. she didn't want to realize something and regret it.

she paused when she saw the tower in front of her, looking at it in the darkness. there was something beautiful about the looming building, though she couldn’t put her finger on why. she loved the architecture of it, even though she knew nothing about architecture. she didn’t even notice the other girl watching the tower until she almost ran into her, emitting a sound of shock and apologizing profusely. she looked down, trying to see if she recognized who it was, but failing to see any kind of familiar face. she rubbed her neck and wrinkled her nose, “i’m so sorry. i really wasn’t looking where i was going.” she swallowed and looked up at the tower and back down at the girl, sitting on the ground. it seemed appropriate to walk away, but there was something peaceful about the way she watched it, and kenny felt as if there was something kindred in the way they were both sitting there in the middle of the night, staring at something that really could be called completely out of place. she coughed and shifted her weight from one foot to the other before speaking, “so … you mind if i sit down? i promise i don’t bite.

[/I][/FONT]” she offered a wry grin before it dropped off her lips, her tone slightly serious as she spoke, “but if you wanna be here alone, i get it. i come here to just sit and think sometimes too so, i wouldn’t blame you if you asked me to just walk away.[/I][/FONT]” there weren’t many moments were kenny couldn’t handle herself, but there was something about the darkness that just put her on edge. maybe it was knowing that she shouldn’t be out at this hour, or maybe it was the weight of the things on her mind. she couldn’t be sure which one it was, but it didn’t help to feel that way.[/JUSTIFY]

tagged for , lucille aimee monroe.
post status , finished.
lyrics credit , to the fray.
format credit , to moi, zazu.
word count , nine seven six.
she's wearing , not trying too hard.
my muse is , you're all i have by snow patrol.
my notes are , sorry if this is rambly, getting back into the swing.

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